Every time I swallow, I get a crinkling sound in my left ear.
Imagine a box with a small hole on one side. The hole is covered by a plastic bag.
If the box is squeezed the pressure inside increases, causing the plastic bag to flex outward.
Then when the box is released, the pressure returns to normal, allowing the plastic bag to flex back inward.
This is what I imagine going on in my left ear. The box represents the middle ear / eustachian tube, and the plastic bag is an imitation of the ear drum.
It’s not painful but I wish it wasn’t happening. Somewhat distracting each time I swallow.
The virtual klaxon has sounded, no more work until 4th January 2021.
I feel miserable.
I think I should be happy, but I just feel a sense of nothing or even loss. Describing feelings has never been my strong point. Maybe that’s why I rarely talk about my depression.
Not having any friends physically close enough to hang out with, I used to play some relaxing games online with others.
This is back in the days when I would spend more time on IRC than my work (it felt like this). In the evenings I would play MineCraft with some chums. It was a way of keeping myself busy whilst also having some interaction with other people.
I don’t know when it stopped. Maybe we all just grew out of that phase of our lives.
It only came to mind last night – when I had the chance of interacting with old and new friends playing Hotshots Racing.
An old friend posted on Twitter that he and a friend of his were going to stream a game on YouTube. So I popped over to have a look. During the playing, they said that if anybody else has the game, they were welcome to join in the fun.
I took them up on their offer, spent a fun while being terrible at it and chatting at the same time 🙂
Part of our conversation covered the times when we would play MineCraft, and how this has been a chance for social contact once more.
I wish this had started earlier in the evening, as I had to leave early. But the short amount of time I got to spend being terrible at a game with friends, while others watched, really brightened my mood.
While I don’t think of myself as being a social person, it would seem that I do benefit of that extra interaction now and then.
I can afford to feed myself, so I’m not in danger of going hungry. Instead, I am trying to lose weight.
178cm and 82.6kg – I am in the overweight category.
While this is the lightest I have been for at least 4 years, I still have more than 12kg left to lose before I reach a more healthy weight for my height.
I’ve been on an intermittent fasting (IF) 16:8 plan since last year. It has helped a bit, but when I’ve been out food shopping on my own I end up buying things high in sugar and fat and then eating them before getting home.
This is cheating nobody but myself. And I feel horribly guilty after eating the things. Never actually enjoying the moments.
I look back on the good start I made and think how much time I’ve wasted trying to find moments of happiness.
The depression really hit a low a few weeks ago. With the help of my wife, we were able to pull me of the hole. It was then that I realised that the food buying was another part of the depression.
Recently I have been more strick with myself while out shopping. Sticking to the list in my hand, spend as little time away from home as possible.
Life needs to have some moments of relaxation. These have become the weekends. Beer on Friday and Saturday nights. Takeaway food on the Saturday night.
Being able to restrict the fatty and sugary things to these two evenings, and reminding myself that I don’t need extras in the week, have really helped pull my weight down.
But it doesn’t stop the hunger pangs.
I don’t allow myself to have food after 8pm. So when I go shopping around this time, and see all of the extra goodies that are on sale at this time of year…
The depression returns.
I’m in bed now. Wishing the week away so that Friday night gets here sooner.
Maybe the fatty and sugary items are an addiction. Going cold turkey really makes me long for those short term fixes that always leave me feeling nothing but regret.
